You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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