cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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