u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
