i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need a beard to bite.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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