My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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