Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
