Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
