I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
