I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
