speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
