The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
