I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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