I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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