I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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