I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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