My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
