Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
