I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
