remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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