How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
