I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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