Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
