Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
