i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
