I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
