All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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