I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
