My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
well you can't waste a boner
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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