my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
