dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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