I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
