I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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