we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
