I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
