About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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