Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
