White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
