just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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