Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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