I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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