the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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