Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
