Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
