I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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