wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
