I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
