I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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