There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this will be a night to untag.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You are the jesus of drinking
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
