Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
