my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
