i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
